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Part 1 Kansas – The outhouse Joke
Part 2 Kansas – Return from Reno

The Outhouse Joke

HE said: “Tell me a joke.” She said: “Ok, here’s one for you:

A sports trainer was visiting his grandmother’s apple orchard in Edmond, Kansas one day when he had to use the bathroom. There, amongst the trees was an outhouse which grandpa had erected. As he was leaving, he accidentally dropped a quarter into the hole.

Grandma was picking zucchini squash, corn, beans and cherry tomatoes when her grandson came out to complain to her: ‘I just dropped my 1967 quarter in your outhouse, grandma.’

Silently, she took her harvest to the porch and sat it down by the hand-cranked well pump. Then she grabbed an old tin pail and pumped fresh, cool water from the well into it. Removing her shoes, she thought to herself “this is going to be very refreshing” then she plunged her hot, overworked feet into the pail.

When she was properly rested, she took the produce into the house and grabbed her PRADA clutch purse. Still silent, she walked woefully to the outhouse while grandson looked on inquisitively. Horrified, he witnessed as she took a hundred out of her clutchpurse and threw it into the hole in the outhouse. Then she went in after it.

Grandson paced nervously, sweat pouring from his brow and praying to Heaven: ‘What have I done!!!’

Then Grandma emerged – covered in shit, holding the 1967 quarter and handed it back to the Sports Trainer.

‘Grandma! What possessed you to do such a thing?’

‘You didn’t expect me to go in there alone to get your shitty QuarterBack did you?’”

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AnnaBell’s Revenge

Covered from head to toe in outhouse essence, Grandma hurried to the RainBarrel – full to the brim – at the NE corner of her house and plunged herself in. When she was cleaned off, she dumped the dirty water out into her yard, then putting her prayer bones to the grass, prayed for more rain.

After having done all, she stood up and went to her kitchen to make a baloney sandwich with Velveta cheese. Then she filled a shiny aluminum cup with fresh, cool well water.

Sitting there at her kitchen table, her eyes lit on the Prince Albert tobacco can containing a full deck of Bicycle playing cards and the Diamond matchsticks next to it.

“I wonder if my daughter Tonya is busy today. I think I’ll ring her up and see if she would like to come over and play Black Jack with matchsticks like we used to do” she mused to herself.

Taking her empty plate and cup to the sink, she thought: “I should see if I have any hash brownies around here. Tanya loves chocolate hash.”

So she walked over to her WE 317 magneto wall phone and asked the operator for BR 549.

“Miller Residence”

“Oh, hello LaSandra, good to hear your voice. I wonder if Tonya is home. I’d like to invite her over for some brownies and a game of Black Jack.”

“Tanya? Who’s that? I’m not aware of any Tanya. And by the way, who are you, and how do you know my name?”

Horrified, Grandma quickly hung up the phone and started weeping uncontrollably.

Joker looked up from his Louis Dearborn LaMoore paperback novel. The Kansas City Chiefs were playing the Cardinals on the tele. “What’s the trouble AnnaBell?”

“Tanya never came home last night” she answered as she choked back tears. “I know we were going shopping in Norton today, but I have something else to do. Let’s load up for a road trip in that Plymouth Fury you’re so proud of. For once, I won’t be telling you to slow down. Let’s put that lead foot of yours to work. I have to get to RENO by morning.”

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Return from Reno

“Katia! That’s enough cherry tomatoes for now. Why don’t you bring your bucket inside and we’ll have a treat. Sugar sandwiches and iced milk with hot chocolate powder – just like Grandpa likes it. We deserve it after working so hard today in the field.”

“Ok grandma. Do you want a pail of well water for your feet?”

“That’d be nice, dear.”

Katia put the tin pail under the spout of the pitcher pump and began pumping cool, fresh well water into it.

Grandma grabbed a loaf of Wonder white bread, and went to the fridge for a tub of oleo-margarine for the sugar sandwiches. “What the…? I know I just bought a brand new tub of margarine yesterday – where is it?”

Outside, thunder was heard and rain began to sprinkle on the thirsty land. Then her eyes fell on a brick of KerryGold butter from grass-fed cows. Confusion set in for a moment, then she recalled what seemed like a distant memory – Joe’s Family had given the Kerry Gold to her just a few days ago. Suddenly, everything made sense and the purchase of oleo was forgotten.

Taking the butter and the bread to the table for sandwich assembly, she had a ‘senior moment’ and forgot what she was going to do with them. “Sandwiches?” she asked herself – trying to remember what else she was supposed to take to the table. Then she saw the container of fresh honey already sitting there. It was in the shape of a bee hive and had a honey dipper with a hand-painted blue bee on the handle.

“Oh, that’s it. Bread, butter and honey. An afternoon snack for me and my granddaughter.”

“Grandma, your pail is full. Do you want me to make the sandwiches while you cool your feet?”

“Sandwiches? No, we’re just having some real butter and honey on this fresh, warm baguette. Let’s eat first.”

A gentle rain came over the grateful land.

And on anon, anon.

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